There ain't no cure for the summertime blues.

Being 6 days away from the end of September has given me a shocking realisation. I've been living at home since 3rd June, and have been seeking a job since then, but more heavily so after my 2 holidays with Colette, with the last one ending on 18th July. And I have yet to find a job - it's not like I haven't been applying - it just so happens that my job searching is "selective" - I'm no way in hell going back into retail after the misery I went through with my other jobs in retail. I'm, at the minute, solely looking for office work, word processing, admin, that sorta thing. It's not going to be my career path forever (hopefully), and it's really only a money-making scheme for me right now, to save for moving to America in May.

In all the jobs I have been in, despite enjoying 2 of them to an extent, I have always felt that it's just not the right environment for me; the set hours, the "politics" within the team and the obvious favouritism shown to certain team members. And it's for the obvious reason of that I want to just be my own boss - doing what I want, when I want, and where I want. And, that's just my ego of being a musician...I still feel under-valued in all jobs I have been in, when I have quite obviously been one of the more skilled members of each team (especially in one job), and it's all because I keep out of the politics and keep my mouth shut and just WORK. I tend not to associate with work colleagues after work; as I find it hard to separate work from my social life, as they tend to contradict themselves, and meeting work-mates out of work to me just seems awkward. I've only ever sparked a few half-friendships from places of work; and I don't really speak to those people anymore really.

Anyway, without going off on a tangent about work politics (which may become an open letter sometime), I just feel that in all jobs, I just am not suited for that kind of work. And, I really hope that when I go over to Raleigh, that I am able to sustain myself financially just by playing music; whether it be at a session musician level, a band level, or even at a teaching level. And, I know myself that I will probably have to go into a similar job in an office at first just to get immediate financial stability, and in the process look for bands/artists needing a drummer, and then take off from there.

Gradually over the summer, I've been feeling more frustrated with job hunting and being without Colette and also, in a way, depressed. I've graduated, with a grade that I was expected to get, and I'm happy that I got it - but I still miss Derry so much. This week has been hard, classes resumed and it just felt weird that I was not a part of it again; going to class, and then chilling for lunch at the union cafe, and then either going to class again or just relaxing for the rest of the day - and I had that freedom to do what I wanted, rather than working at 9, and ending at 5, with a few breaks inbetween. 

Monday night was the worst - my dad and I were looking for where a potential job interview was going to be held, and I realised the time - it was around 8:30pm. And, if I were in Derry...I'd be in Sainsbury's at that time, buying some food and more alcohol to get me started for another crazy Manic Monday night at the Union. I always loved that feeling on Monday nights, because basically everyone went to it, and it was always just a really good fun night. And there was always a really cool atmosphere in the student village, just one of positivity and partying; one memory and atmosphere which I truly, truly miss a lot. I felt...trapped, and in a place where I do not want to be.

I've had little to no fun in Belfast since I've came back, and 99% of the time here I've been in my room, just on the computer doing whatever I have to do. Whilst I am content enough doing it, I just feel trapped, and feel like it's a waiting room for another place where I want to be. I'm grateful for the free rent and food, as that helps me a lot with regards to saving money, but I don't have the social freedom or the ease of travel as I did in Derry. There's no point in me moving out now because I'm moving in May, and basically going to be in the states for a whole month, so I would have had to pay rent for a month of not even being there.

I have no motivation to practice drums either, I have little room to play them and it's always just awkward practicing in a garage with neighbours around. Whereas, in Derry...I didn't always have time to practice due to practice room being booked or I was busy with other things, but when I did practice, I always felt motivated, it was never a chore...more like just something I wanted to do.

One thing that has been keeping me going is my recent practicing of DJ'ing. And I hope to show everyone my skills tomorrow night in Masons, Derry. I uploaded a mix to Rapidshare, and it's pretty good, for an amateur..if I do say so myself ;)

I still can't believe I don't have a job after all this time. I need one soon, for various reasons.

Iain